Recently, there has been some concern that we don’t have enough citizens willing to step forward and run for school board. I think I know one of the root causes: we simply haven’t made it appealing enough. We need to effectively communicate the tension, the excitement, the highs, the lows, the heartbreak, and the edge-of-your-seat thrill ride that comprise the life of a typical school board member. And who can do this better than our leading entertainers in Hollywood?
Thus, I have begun work on a movie script, for a summer blockbuster that will completely turn around the current perception of school boards as boring and inefficient. I’m hoping to convince Samuel L. Jackson, Chris Pratt, and Jennifer Lawrence to star, though I am open to alternate casting suggestions. As a special treat to celebrate the upcoming first day of April, I am sharing with you, my readers, a sneak preview of the script for School Board: The Movie.
SCENE: A busy boardroom at the beginning of a meeting. At the front, the camera is focusing on Superintendent Scooter Michaels chatting with board chair Cliff Wen, as the rest of the board take their seats one by one: Millie Glin, Alan Issa, Kerry Montrose, Stretch Kimmel, Sol Jansen, and Selig Ericson. Cliff bangs the gavel, and the meeting begins.
Cliff: Thanks for coming, everyone. I know your time is important, and we have critical business to conduct tonight. Now we will begin this meeting with a special performance by the Valleysboro High Reggae Ensemble.
Students begin shuffling into the room, squeezing themselves and their instruments into the space in front of the podium, over the course of 20 minutes. They then proceed to play a moving 3-hour arrangement of Bob Marley’s “Jammin’”.
As they conclude, everyone in the room enthusiastically applauds for another five minutes. Eventually the applause subsides and the band begin packing up their instruments.
Millie: I’m so glad we had the opportunity to hear this amazing music tonight at the meeting, instead of having to attend one of the twelve scheduled upcoming performances. But before we move on, I’d really like to hear from the individual students about what the music means to them.
Cliff: Excellent idea. Can each of you in turn step up to the microphone, and tell us some more about your musical experience?
Students awkwardly get in line and begin speaking at the microphone.
Student #1: Ummm… The Reggae Ensemble is really fun. It helps me learn musical skills and express my emotions. And it increases my chances of staying in school.
Student #2: The Reggae Ensemble is really fun. It helps me learn musical skills and express my emotions. And it increases my chances of staying in school.
The students continue, each speaking in turn.
Student #77: Hi There! The Reggae Ensemble is really fun! It helps me learn musical skills and express my emotions! And it increases my chances of staying in school!
The students spend a few more minutes packing up their instruments and finding their way outside.
Cliff: Thank you, that was inspiring. Now, our next agenda item is a proclamation, to be read into the record by Superintendent Michaels.
Scooter: Thanks, Cliff.
Scooter unrolls a large scroll he is holding.
Scooter: Whereas, the Valleysboro School District prides itself on being an inclusive community,
and Whereas, our 14 Russian-American students are a critical component of our rainbow of diversity,
and Whereas, this week marks the 120th anniversary of the death of Leo Tolstoy, one of the worlds greatest novelists,
and Whereas Tolstoy’s greatest novel was War and Peace, which goes as follows: “Well, Prince, so Genoa and Lucca are now just family estates of the Buonapartes….”
Scooter proceeds to read the full text of War and Peace from the scroll.
“… to renounce a freedom that does not exist, and to recognize a dependence of which we are not conscious,”
Therefore, the Valleysboro School District formally proclaims our observation of National Tolstoy Week.
Cliff: Thank you, Scooter. That proclamation was very meaningful, and will have long-lasting effects on our district. Now we will move on to Data and Reports. Assistant Superintendent Trevor, I believe you had the update on our school cafeterias?
Trevor steps forward from a side table.
Trevor: Hi everyone. In your board packet, you have the detailed written report I prepared on our cafeteria management plan, which I believe you have all had a week to review before this meeting. I will now proceed to describe the exact same content verbally. On slide 1 we see…
Trevor opens his laptop, and begins walking through his painstakingly-prepared slide deck.
… And to conclude, as you see on slide 182, we can now show that over the past year, our cafeterias became over 0.73% more cost-efficient. Thank you.
Cliff: Thank you, that was very useful. Now, we move on to our main item of business for the evening, approving the routine maintenance contract. These are boilerplate contracts largely dictated by state law, which you have all already reviewed in your board packets, so I don’t expect much debate. Any comments before we vote?
Sol: I know we probably all agree that we should pass this contract. But I think it’s important that before voting on it, we all recognize what routine maintenance means to us, and the impactful role it plays in each of our lives. My first experience in this area was at the age of 3, when I tugged at my father's pant leg as he opened his toolbox and took out a #2 wrench… or was it a #3 wrench? Anyway…
Sol continues his monologue, illustrating the topic with many heartwarming anecdotes.
And that leads to just last week, when my great-grandmother used her final breath to sit up from her deathbed, grab my shoulders, and whisper her last two words on this earth: “ROUTINE MAINTENANCE”. Thank you.
Cliff: Thanks Sol, I’m glad you shared that. Now, all in favor of approving the contract, say “Aye”.
A chorus of Ayes is heard.
Cliff: Excellent, the contract is approved. Well, it’s taken 98 hours, but we have finally reached the end of our agenda. Now, the customary final statements from each board member before we close the meeting.
Millie: Thanks everyone, and good night.
Kerry: Thanks everyone, and good night.
Alan: Before we go, I’d really like to talk about the schools I visited over the past month. I sat in on classes in each of our 83 Velleysboro elementary schools, and I would like to describe each of them for you now. First, at the Aaron A. Anderson Academy, …
Alan continues, describing 83 classroom visits.
… And that was what we did during my final visit to Zachary Z. Zinoviev elementary. Thanks everyone, and good night.
Cliff: Let’s see, where were we… Ah, I think Selig is now up for the next final statement. Sellig?
There is an awkward silence.
Cliff: Selig? Come on, you’re holding up the meeting.
The camera pans slowly to the seat at the end of the boardroom, where Selig’s decomposing remains gradually come into view. Apparently he has died of boredom at some point during the past hundred hours.